I’m just like any other person you can meet and greet on the street and like or not like. I’m not Holden or Humbert. You can really touch me! If you don’t believe me, come to Aristod right now. Come hold and hump me!

Just because you’re scarred for life doesn’t mean you should be scared to live.

Individuality or Unity? I say there’s room for both.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris.

Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel.

Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure.

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.

You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right.

Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life.